What Happens when Healing Becomes Another Attachment Trap?

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to swap one unhealthy attachment for another? It can feel like progress, moving away from toxic family dynamics, past partners, or rigid belief systems, only to find ourselves unconsciously reattaching to someone else who takes on the same role.

The series Wayward on Netflix did a great job of exploring this layered concept. 

The series highlights a charismatic therapist who seems (at first) like a lifeline for her clients.  She uses advanced tools, cognitive restructuring, schema reframing, even psychedelic medicines, to help people revisit and “reprogram” their memories.  On paper, it all sounds cutting-edge.  But what became clear is how easily these tools slid into manipulation.

Instead of empowering clients to stand on their own, she slowly repositioned herself as the new anchor or "authority" in their lives.  By framing intergenerational trauma as the root of all their struggles, she encouraged them to sever ties with family systems. But she didn’t leave them free; she reattached them to her.

This is a classic bait-and-switch.  You see, differentiation, a cornerstone of family systems theory, is about developing a solid sense of self while staying connected to others (Bowen, 1978; Kerr & Bowen, 1988).  It doesn’t mean cutting off or fusing with people; it means finding balance. Without it, we risk bouncing from one dependency to another.

Think about it: how often do people leave a controlling family only to enter a controlling relationship?  Or step away from a toxic partner only to become consumed by a spiritual leader, a wellness expert, or some kind of empowerment group?  The faces change, but the pattern stays the same. 

That’s the “attachment trap.”

When therapists, healers or coaches misuse their positional power, the consequences can be devastating.  The therapeutic space, meant to be a place of safety and empowerment, becomes a site of reenactment.  The client learns not how to trust themselves, but how to transfer loyalty from one authority figure to another (Gabbard, 2017).  It’s a form of betrayal and an abuse of power that can exacerbate the very trauma that therapy is supposed to heal.

So what can we do to avoid these traps? We can engage in honest self-reflection to increase our awareness. Awareness of this pattern is the first step toward breaking it. Healing doesn’t mean attaching ourselves to someone else’s version of us or version of what they believe it means or looks like to be healthy, healed, or whole.  You get to determine what that looks and feels like for you.  It means learning to stay rooted in our own identity while navigating the nuance of connection.  

Differentiation lets us recognize intergenerational wounds without becoming defined or confined by them.

So, here's our reminder: be mindful not to replace one attachment with another. True healing is not about trading one master for another; it’s about stepping fully into your own agency, sense of self, and personal authority.

Fanicy Sears

Clinical Director - eMotion Therapy, LLC

References

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.

Gabbard, G. O. (2017). Boundaries and boundary violations in psychoanalysis (2nd ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.

Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation: An approach based on Bowen theory. W. W. Norton.